I think I might just feel the most free in my car. I've already written about driving or cars a few times now I think. I'm stuck in bed again today and still sick. I wish I could have gone to work or at least driven to the laundromat to do my laundry. To me, driving means freedom. I can go where I want, I can get away if I am unsafe, I can do for myself. This story is about driving.
The beginning of the downward spiral happened when he didn't answer my texts. Then he didn't answer my calls. I was worried something had happened to him. I called the coffee shop where he said he was going and they hadn't seen him either. It was late on a Friday night and I started to panic. My first thought was that he was struck by a drunk driver.
I checked our bank account to see where he had been last and at what time. There I saw two check card transactions for places in a town 30 minutes away from where he said he would be. A few minutes later he called. He said his phone died and he was at the coffee shop.
Right away I knew who the girl was. She was from that town.
It had never happened to me before. And the confrontation was indeed the spiral. I never wondered what I did to deserve it. I wasn't even jealous or angry, just confused, and later, scared.
I was in my new apartment and got a call from my dream job. They asked if I could do some freelance shifts and I immediately agreed. They told me at the end of the phone call, that it was in that same town.
I worked there for over a year, full time. I spent a lot of time listening to Christian radio and praying out loud. Some days I was asking God to get him the help I thought he needed or to fix him so we could be a family again. Then I started asking God to help me get over him or forget about him. Then one day I got really pissed off.
"Oh God, You're so awesome," I thought, "of ALL the places I could be going to work, You send me down the same stretch of highway he drove down the night she was in the passenger's seat of our car! You send me to the same town every day. That's just GREAT. I drive past 6 other locations to get here, but none of THOSE are the one You have for me! It's THIS one! How great and merciful You are to twist the knife! So glad You're in control and my life is in Your sadistic hands. Can't wait to go to work! Maybe I'll run into her! Thanks SO much for the provision and the great job in the WORST possible place and with the WORST possible commute and a collective HOUR each day to think about all of this. TERRIFIC. You know what? He strung me along and watched me suffer too. The only difference between him and You, is he could touch me. Where are You right now? You're watching all this and doing nothing."
This wasn't the only time I felt this way. I was conflicted. On one hand I read you're not supposed to mock God. On the other hand I had a lot of people tell me that God knew how I was feeling and He could take it, I could be real with Him. I really don't know to this day which one is the right one or even if it matters.
But I do know that I loved my job, my coworkers, my company and clients. It was at this time that work was my solace and the place where I felt purposeful and confident. I don't know which day it was, but I know it was the middle of winter. I pulled into the parking lot and turned off my car, and all of the sudden I realized it was the first day that I didn't think of him or that night that was the beginning of the end. I was thinking about going to work.
Pretty soon, that stretch of highway wasn't the road he used to do whatever it was he did that night. It was the road I drove to get to work. And that city wasn't where some girl lived. It was where I worked. It wasn't his anymore, it was mine and it had relevance to my life and what I was doing in the present.
Today I'm thankful for the passage of time. For this example and so many other reasons. Pain really sucks, and when we are in it, it feels like it will never go away. But when it's gone, it's almost like it is better than if it was never there. It wasn't my goal to take something back for myself- I just wanted it fixed in the way I pictured or wanted to not feel anything for it any longer. God had a different plan and I'm glad He did.
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