November 6: Thankful for Mills

It's Day Three of my thankfulness entries about my kids. I'm sure I'll write more about them as the days go on but today is dedicated to my baby boy, Mills. 

Dear Mills,

Where do I begin? I remember the day I watched your brother Lars helping your oldest brother Felix, and I said it was too bad he would never be a big brother. A week later is when we found out about you. I looked in the mirror and touched my belly which was still flat. I said, "it's going to be ok, baby."

The pregnancy with you was the one where I decided I would do things my way. I always wanted a natural birth (meaning a birth without drugs or heavy medical intervention). With your brothers, I was young and did not stand up for myself or demand the type of birth I wanted. You were born with the assistance of a midwife, in a birthing pool in Stillwater. This single experience changed the entire way that I look at life and I have you to thank for this. 

My pregnancy with you taught me to advocate for myself. Labor with you taught me that when I think I cannot possibly bear another moment of pain, there is an ending and that ending is unimaginably beautiful to the point where all the pain that preceded it is instantly washed away. In the times of life where I feel I can't go on, I remember our journey together that day. The one where I went from peaceful to uncomfortable to frightened to determined, and you showed up in your perfect timing, greater than any conceivable prayer for that moment. In your birth, we were fully lucid and fully joyful.

Mills, you are happy and healthy. You're creative like both of your parents, you are unique beyond either of us. Your daddy and I used to say that you are the best of both of us and I believe that is true. When I can't think of a good thing about him, I see the way you're obsessed with dinosaurs and know everything about them ("that's a dilophosaurus, mama")- that's just like when your father finds a new interest. I see myself as a child in you- curious and bright and wanting to love everyone. You have my face when you're concentrating, your daddy's when you're giggling, you are witty and endlessly optimistic like yourself. And you love yourself. As you've said many times, "I'm chubby because I'm a big boy and my belly is full."

You've shown me how to fight, and along with your brothers, motivated me to become a better person. You've taught me what love is and what it is not. I wish it was also the love for myself and not only the desire to protect you that propelled me to become the best version of myself but in the times I don't love myself enough, the love I feel for you and your brothers is what keeps me going. 

I am unspeakably thankful for you. There are things one day I'll hope you understand and there are things I hope you never fully grasp, but what I can tell you is that the biggest blessings can come from the most tragic places. You are a miracle and you are the brightest of silver linings. 

Love,

Mama