I had a long day at work and wasn't quite sure what I would write about today for my gratitude post. I checked my email and saw that my friend KP (Kristina Perkins) is once again doing her photo project, exhibit and benefit "You Are Beautiful Minneapolis." The proceeds benefit the Sexual Violence Center- which is coincidentally where I had just returned home from when I got the email.
She now has a website exclusively dedicated to the benefit, in addition to her street and lifestyle photography site. You can see it here:
http://www.youarebeautifulbenefit.com
When KP came over to the house it was about 7 in the morning. I was getting the boys ready for school and onto the bus. I had been in my own apartment only a month or so. She used a film camera and took some photos of us. After I got the big kids on the bus, Baby Mills showed KP the top bunk of the bunk beds and wanted to play with her and show her all his toys. After a while, KP left and some time later I saw a few of the photos she took.
I remember seeing the photo of the kids and I eating breakfast and thinking that I looked very tired and haggard which was how I felt a lot of the time. Going about my day and even now, memories echoed through my mind, especially about my worth as a person: "if you leave me nobody will ever love you," "you're all used up," "you've got three kids from two different dads; you're nothing but a baby mama." I worked at a makeup store at the time and I think I spent a lot of time hiding behind the makeup or the job and using it to feel like I could be pretty or worth something. Seeing myself without all of that certainly felt vulnerable.
But I remember waking up that morning and being at peace. I was in my own place, we had food to eat and the boys had woken up so peacefully. The boys weren't disturbed or disrupted by KP being there taking photos of us eating breakfast. It was such a nice morning. My favorite part of the day was getting up and eating breakfast together as a family before the big boys went off to school. That apartment was great too, even though it was small. It was a few blocks off of Central and Lowry Avenues and was walking distance to a pastilleria where we would sometimes go and buy warm churros for 50 cents each. It seems forever ago but was not long at all, only about 2 and a half years. It just felt in that apartment like things were going to be all right.
Even back then though, it was undeniable that something major was going on. Getting the photos back I saw how I looked and was a little taken aback. People had mentioned the weight I had lost but a lot of them said I looked great. One person even said, "now that you're single again I guess you have a reason to look good." That was probably one of the most hurtful things I've ever been told.
However, today when I looked at the photos from last year's benefit, I scrolled to a photo I don't think I had seen before. It was a dark-haired little boy that looked just like my son Lars. I mean, REMARKABLY like Lars. But it couldn't have been him because he was standing next to an older, frail-looking man with sunken cheeks and gangly arms. I zoomed in on the photo and realized something: that little boy was indeed Lars, and that frail old guy, was ME.
How does someone not recognize a picture, OF THEMSELVES?
I cannot believe that it took 5 minutes for me to recognize myself in a photo. That photo alone made me want to be part of the project again this year. I'm healthy now and I want people to see that. I don't know what motivated KP to choose the Sexual Violence Center of all places to be the beneficiary of her exhibition- there are a lot of worthy charities and organizations in Minneapolis- but I am thankful it's there, I'm thankful it's being supported by people like KP who care, and I'm thankful that she unknowingly at the time was date-stamping with photographs, exactly what I looked like on the outside and how it reflected what was going on inside. I'm thankful for change and growth. I am healthy now.
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