November 5: Thankful for Lars

Dear Lars, 

Where do I begin? Well, I'm thankful for you. This is a place of thankfulness after all. But there's so much more I feel for you.

Of my children, did you know you're the only one that wasn't a surprise? We planned for you and we sought out knowing you. When you were born you looked exactly as I had dreamed when I was pregnant- perfect, with a full head of black hair. 

And of my children, you're the most like me. You're sensitive and goofy, you so deeply want to be loved. I remember sitting on the couch crying about one thing or another, and at 3 years old or so, you brought me a cup of water from the bathroom sink, patted my shoulder and said "it ok mama." So many times- too many times- you've had to be the man of the house. Of all the things I'm grateful for, this not one of them. I resent the fracturing of your innocence and wish you got the luxury of being oblivious to adult matters- divorce, poverty, depression, struggle. When I think of you I think of how you were robbed, of how badly I want to return what was stolen from us. But that's not what I'm grateful for. 

I'm grateful that you've taken the big brother role because you're older brother has a disability. I'm thankful for the day we were walking when you were only two years old. You looked at the sky and you said, "it's a beautiful day, mama," not caring that I was broke or that we were taking the bus to the welfare office. I'm thankful for every Thomas train track we built together. I'm thankful for every time you've made me laugh, even the times you weren't trying to be funny but were just so smart beyond your years that what you were saying sounded like it couldn't have really come from your mouth. I'm thankful for the quiet moments, when you're honest and vulnerable and you trust me with your innermost thoughts. 

Oh Lars, I'm so thankful for you. There's so much I wish I could have protected you from, so much more I wish I could have been, so much more I wish I'd done or known. But I'm thankful you know those things because you're strong and kind. Your love is so pure despite observing compromised forms of love throughout your short life. 

I'm thankful for the chance to rediscover you each time I get to be near you. I'm thankful for your heart. I'm thankful that I'm far from the perfect mother or even the mother I want to be, but that you and your brothers are the perfect children to me. 

Love,

Mama